You found this post. That means that you’re exploring, adventuring, and trying to figure yourself out. I applaud that. I was eight when I figured out I was kinky. I mean, I didn’t know that there was a WORD for it…but I knew that when I daydreamed about growing up and getting married? Rope featured prominently in my visions. Maybe you’re experiencing similar feelings. In a way, you’re lucky because you have the vast expanse of the internet here to learn from. I had America Online, with its secret, backdoor chat rooms that led me into spaces where I was very open about been underage and where many adults were very open about wanting to assist me in learning more about bdsm dates. Turns out a lot of those “helpful” people are folks I’d call predators today. That’s why I’m writing to you today. I want you to know that everything you’re feeling is normal…and that you just can’t be here right now.

Let me start with the normal part. That kinky eighteen year old grew up to be a social worker and a sex therapist. I know a LOT about child and adolescent development and human sexuality. I am one of many sex therapists who believe that one’s affinity for kink/BDSM is as much a sexual orientation as whether one is gay or straight, and just as fixed. So I want to start by telling you that there is nothing wrong with you. It’s okay to feel like you want to feel certain sensations. It’s okay to know that you’d prefer a specific type of relationship. What you’re feeling- as long as everyone involved is above the age of consent- is NORMAL. Approximately 5-10% of people self-identify as kinky. Welcome to the ranks. Your feelings are as normal and developmentally healthy as the toddler who touches their genitals and discovers that certain parts feel good. As normal as the preteen boy who has wet dreams, or the adolescent girl who REALLY likes riding her bike downs the bumpy part of the sidewalk. Your feelings, your desires, your impulses are normal. You are normal. That said?

You just can’t be here right now. The internet you live on today is vastly different from the limited one I had access to as a kid. There are more people on it, and more ways to connect, and fewer protections in place. I told you I was a social worker? I used to work with kids that had been exploited. Some shared photos with someone they trusted, only to have those shared with the world. Some experienced deeper, more dangerous and more intimate forms of exploitation that I’m not going to write about here today. The watchwords of the BDSM community are “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.” Healthy kink has to include all three. The good news is? You’re probably sane. The bad news is that we, as a community, cannot keep you safe. There are people on this site who do not practice safe, sane, and consensual sex. They aren’t necessarily ethical. They aren’t necessarily kind. We have no way of filtering these folks out and therefore we cannot protect you from those who would exploit or harm you. The flip side is that it’s not safe for the adults in these spaces to be talking to and sharing information about BDSM with you. It opens them up to legal risk that 1) won’t stop the dangerous people and 2) puts the good hearted people who just want to help you feel normal in danger of prosecution. And third, the law says that as a minor (however your state or country defines that term) you cannot consent. So? Healthy kink is not a viable option for you right now.

And I get how unfair that feels: you’re a teenager! You know your own mind and you’re starting to figure out your own body. Who are these anonymous adults to place laws and restrictions on your right to sexual discovery, right? But it’s not that simple. First of all, your brain- especially the part that regulates cause and effect, decision making, and impulse control- doesn’t finish developing until roughly age 25. So yeah, you know your own mind…but your mind is still evolving. One of the greatest things about being a kinky adult is that we’re CONSTANTLY learning new things about our bodies, our minds, and what makes both go “oooh!” I promise you: there’s plenty of time for you to do this exploring. You’re not going to miss out on anything and, in fact, you’ll have a much bigger world of possibility open to you when you do turn 18. But I want to offer some guidance and resources that you can access now, safely and legally:

Read books! Stay away from online reading and video sites such as Tumblr, PornHub, FetLife, etc. Not gonna lie: they are invaluable resources…and if minors are using them, the whole community will lose them. So read. I highly recommend Michael Makai’s books. They don’t contain graphic images and they discuss kink the way adults in the real world engage in kink: as a sexual expression and as a form of interpersonal and romantic relationship.

Engage with communities on teen-friendly sexuality sites, such as My BDSM Hookups. They have forums that are intended for folks your age, where you can ask your questions, build a community of people who get you, and stay safely away from the predatory types that lurk on adult oriented sites like this one.

If you really need an adult to talk to, one who understands BDSM and can help you work through your thoughts and feelings around romance, partnerships, sexuality, and sexual development, consider looking for a therapist. You don’t have to out yourself to your parents to do this. You can look for someone specialized in sex therapy in your area and reach out to them directly. Most of them see clients for many reasons, so you don’t to tell your parents that you want to talk about sex in order to get connected with a certified sex therapist.

Donny white